Sometimes I wish I wasnt so far from home. I went to a psychic the other day ( Which I fully believe she was a frued) but regardless she said I was happy yet confused. She could have said that to anyone and it would be true haha. but yet it is true…  

On one hand I truly love what I am doing in school. Art is my passion, I live and breath it. But there is a part of me that gets so bored easily. I feel like a loner. I miss my friends. I have meet awesome, truly awesome people here but it is all within school… I just wish I had my own outside life. 

This is my rant… I think I only come on here to rant A) because I know no one really reads this and B) I sometimes wish someone would. 

I was told I am a butterfly, always fluttering and never landing. I am so scared of finding a “home” maybe. My perception of a home, I feel, has been killed. If I keep moving how can I get hurt? How can I stay in a relationship if I have to leave. Is traveling my safety blanket?

I met an amazing guy, Neil, and ever since we met all I could say was I was moving… Then when I did I pushed him so away. I dont know if I miss him or just miss the feeling of have someone around. For the first time I have no one. I am actually completely alone. Does this scare me? Yes and no. I am strong enough to be it… I just miss a warm arm around me. I dont have a close friend here to open up to either. 

On another note, I think I am torturing myself with eating. I have never spoken to many people about this but I have always know I have had body issues especially after last year. I just cant get myself full lately, maybe out of boredom? The twist is that I hate the way I look… but damn I love eating… haha I am fucked. 

I have been feeling all this ever since I visited home. It messed up my head. Seeing Tyler warped my thoughts. I told him before I went home how I didnt trust him. And after we got together he stopped talking to me and I see facebook videos of him on new years with girls all over him. How can I trust him? Why do I keep wanting to talk to him :( 

Rant rant rant. This is what happens when I dont have people to talk to haha.

I also hope everything is going well with my mom. I really worry about her. She might be getting kicked out of her place in feb and I know she hasnt looked for anther place nor does she have a cent to get one. damn I wish I could be at home working to help out. 

I guess I need to focus on school…. but I really do find it hard to